Yes. I really just read these. All three. So here’s my 50 cents on Fifty Shades of Grey (et all). Sorry Mom.

Honestly, before I read these books, my experience was limited to Gilbert Gottfried’s reading *Link NSFW* which I urge you all to watch. Oh, and this, which I can believe… but also… really? Thankfully (?) I borrowed the Overdrive audiobook, as to avoid any and all possible contact with lingering ews. Now that I’ve finished them, I do have a bit of praise — shocking.

The books are marketed as “Mommy Porn” and I suppose to the bookish heterosexual female, this would satisfy some of those needs, but anyone calling themselves bookish may pause before considering reading these for any literary value. There’s little to these books that I find actually believable. The actions and reactions of characters are over exaggerated, yet predictable. If the narrator Ana says “Oh, Christian’s going to be angry,” you can be sure he throws a tantrum. Ana seems to notice every nuance, especially flashes of emotion over people’s faces. Really? She’s perceptive enough to see the someone’s past flash across their face, but she doesn’t know appropriate use of language she sends through corporate email accounts? Give Me A Break.

I won’t pluck out memorable quotes and pick them to pieces, and I’ll refrain from … wait… Didn’t I say I was going to dish out some positivity? Looking past the glaring flaws of these books, let’s consider what this story has to offer besides a possible trip to the free clinic.

We’re presented with a semi-sheltered college-aged girl who is forced into helping her over-zealous and over-booked roommate by interviewing an (unrealistically) successful young CEO. Their encounter develops into a relationship, which our doe-eyed protagonist should have no part of, but ultimately succumbs because she is showered with gifts (and sex). I’m inclined to think that if any other woman found herself in this situation, things would have turned out very differently; however, Ana’s naivety was grossly taken advantage of– and maybe that was the point. What’s interesting to me isn’t the sex (STG, if I hear “apex of my thighs” one more time….SMH. Snore!) it’s the childhood abuse that Christian experiences.

Highlighting the abuse he suffered as a child, and how it affected Christian in his adult life is something I never expected to develop though the narrative. The issues of dependency, dominance, ownership, and strong emotions are all directly related to his past, explaining (but not excusing) his behavior. The constant fights Ana and Christian had, though the reasons may have been weak, made sense… But really? Those outbursts were just too over the top. I’ve never rolled my eyes so many times at a book. And yes, I rolled them defiantly, with no fear of disciplinary action!

But wait… This is supposed to be a smutty explicit erotica book, right? Things are supposed to be unreal and fantastical! So… Why delve into character development? Because it’s trying to be something it’s not. Fifty Shades of Grey was originally a Twilight fan fiction (don’t get me started)… But it’s not Twilight. It’s trying to be, but it’s not. It’s an erotica, but it’s not traditional erotica. It’s trying to be, but it’s not. It’s trying to be a trilogy, and though it is physically… That was a clear marketing ploy.

What’s the point? Fans. That’s it. Fans are the money makers, and companies love fans. As long as the fans are happy, there is easy money to be made. Not to mention movies to be made — oh, and not just the rates R version, but an NC-17 version too… So all those fans can go see BOTH movies!

Sigh… Really?
Yeah. Really.